Obligatory disclaimer: real life sucks, (mostly), so let us talk about the trailer to the 2025’s ‘Anaconda’ movie instead.
The original ‘Anaconda’ franchise was about people
who came to the South American jungle for various reasons, and most of them
would be eaten by an oversized anaconda (one or several) during the run time of
the films, (there are several). Therefore, what makes this franchise better
than the ‘Coyotes’ (remember them)?
The movies of the ‘Anaconda’ franchise, (including the
one coming up in 2025), do not take themselves seriously and are not going for
realism (or social commentary) the way that ‘Coyotes’ (and ‘Death of a Unicorn’)
do. Even the trailer shows that the movie is going to be ridiculous and
hilarious in a good way, and the completely unreal anaconda is a part of it.
The green anaconda might be the biggest modern
snake; only the reticulated python of the Asian tropics might be able to match
it; and the king cobra, of course, is always worth a mention, but the king
cobra is a venomous snake among its’ other qualities, while the anacondas are
constrictors.
‘Anacondas’ are used as a plural because ‘anaconda’
is a name of a genus of constrictor
snakes, also known as the water boas. Just how many species of anaconda there actually
are, is debated; two are known for sure – the green anaconda (Eunectes murinus) and the yellow (Eunectes notaeus) are confirmed and
recognized; the rest are up to debate, (and one is a fossil species anyhow,
which just makes everything more complex).
Usually, the people talk about ‘THE anaconda’, or,
more precisely, the bigger and more massive green anaconda of Brazil, Peru,
French Guiana, Suriname and Bolivia; the smaller yellow anaconda lives mainly
more to the east (the two species do co-exist in Brazil), and the rest of the
anaconda clan do not matter right now. What matters is that the green anaconda
can be big and impressive, yet it is nowhere near the size of the mythical
snake monsters that haunt the West imagination ever since the Europeans began to
colonize South America. The South American rainforest is larger than life even
now, so naturally it has to be inhabited by larger than life monsters. The Native
Americans of South America agreed, but their monsters are much less realistic
than the oversized anaconda of the European colonists and their descendants is,
so let us put them aside too.
Besides the CGI Titanoboa wannabe, the trailer shows
the cast handling (and accidentally killing) some other non-venomous snake,
probably a boa constrictor. When put face to face, the boa is much slimmer and
smaller than the green anaconda is, but like all the constrictor snakes, it has
a mouthful of hook-like, needle-sharp, backwards pointing teeth, and it can
deliver very painful and bloody bites too, so it should never be taken for
granted.
…The cast go to the American tropics with a ‘movie
budget’ under 10 000 dollars. Again, there is no realism; they want to make an ‘indie
film’ (a movie within a movie – that is quite clever, in fact); so why not go
to Florida, (or perhaps California) is unknown. As RL shows, there are plenty
of escaped pythons, (some of which are quite large), in Florida, so an anaconda
would fit in as well, but no – it is South America or bust. Anything else?
Just that after their boa is lost (it falls in the
water, where the piranhas get it, or the boat propeller does, or something),
the cast go into the rainforest to find a replacement snake. Suspension of
disbelief and all, but the way they were doing it would have resulted in them
finding a venomous snake instead,
most likely, and most of the South American venomous snakes are pit vipers,
too. Just think rattlesnakes without the rattles, really. (In all of South
America lives a single rattlesnake species – all the rest are natives of North
America instead). A bite from anyone of them would have been bad – period. In a
certain light, the cast of the ‘Anaconda’-2025 are lucky that the snake they
confronted was a non-venomous type.
And again, given just how unrealistic this movie’s
snake monster is, it just as well could have been a giant bear, (the spectacled
bear of South America is not as large as the brown bear is, but it can kill
adult livestock with blows of its’ paws), or even a horde of orcs – why not? How
is a kaiju-sized snake more realistic than a horde of orcs?
It is not, but the cast make it work. Even in the trailer,
they are clearly having fun and are not careening all over the place as ‘Coyotes’
script (and cast) do. ‘Anaconda’-2025 does not have any ‘special’ message as
the other film does, but I daresay that it will be more enjoyable and fun to
watch than ‘Coyotes’ will be.
…And as for ‘Marvel™ Zombies’, coming to the viewers
on Sep 24, 2025? Looks as if they are designed to cover up for the ‘Eyes of
Wakanda’ just as the ‘Eyes’ did for ‘Ironheart’. Again: ‘Ironheart’ was bad,
perhaps not as bad as Disney’s ‘Snow White’ remake, but still bad, hitting all
the right notes in all the wrong ways. For Disney, MCU, and the rest, good
relationships with Afro-Americans are important, so they covered-up (and
replaced) ‘Ironheart’ with ‘Eyes’.
However, ‘Eyes’ themselves were something of a
rushed job, and people have felt it. Disney/MCU do not like confrontations, so
they are using ‘Zombies’ to cover-up ‘Eyes’. ‘Zombies’ themselves, of course,
are strongly reminiscent of ‘Game of Thrones’ series finale, when the heroes of
Westeros found themselves confronting the Night King and his cohorts, including
the walking dead – but let’s wait until Sep 24, 2025, to see the ‘Marvel™
Zombies for ourselves first).
…And yes, in early 2000s, ‘Animal Face-Off’ had a ‘jaguar
vs. anaconda’ episode where the anaconda won. Sadly, it is only slightly more
realistic than the upcoming ‘Anaconda’-2025 film will be, so let us discuss it
some other time.
For now though, this is it. See you all soon!
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