'Anaconda'-2025 movie trailer - Sep 18

 Obligatory disclaimer: real life sucks, (mostly), so let us talk about the trailer to the 2025’s ‘Anaconda’ movie instead.

The original ‘Anaconda’ franchise was about people who came to the South American jungle for various reasons, and most of them would be eaten by an oversized anaconda (one or several) during the run time of the films, (there are several). Therefore, what makes this franchise better than the ‘Coyotes’ (remember them)?

The movies of the ‘Anaconda’ franchise, (including the one coming up in 2025), do not take themselves seriously and are not going for realism (or social commentary) the way that ‘Coyotes’ (and ‘Death of a Unicorn’) do. Even the trailer shows that the movie is going to be ridiculous and hilarious in a good way, and the completely unreal anaconda is a part of it.

The green anaconda might be the biggest modern snake; only the reticulated python of the Asian tropics might be able to match it; and the king cobra, of course, is always worth a mention, but the king cobra is a venomous snake among its’ other qualities, while the anacondas are constrictors.

‘Anacondas’ are used as a plural because ‘anaconda’ is a name of a genus of constrictor snakes, also known as the water boas. Just how many species of anaconda there actually are, is debated; two are known for sure – the green anaconda (Eunectes murinus) and the yellow (Eunectes notaeus) are confirmed and recognized; the rest are up to debate, (and one is a fossil species anyhow, which just makes everything more complex).

Usually, the people talk about ‘THE anaconda’, or, more precisely, the bigger and more massive green anaconda of Brazil, Peru, French Guiana, Suriname and Bolivia; the smaller yellow anaconda lives mainly more to the east (the two species do co-exist in Brazil), and the rest of the anaconda clan do not matter right now. What matters is that the green anaconda can be big and impressive, yet it is nowhere near the size of the mythical snake monsters that haunt the West imagination ever since the Europeans began to colonize South America. The South American rainforest is larger than life even now, so naturally it has to be inhabited by larger than life monsters. The Native Americans of South America agreed, but their monsters are much less realistic than the oversized anaconda of the European colonists and their descendants is, so let us put them aside too.

Besides the CGI Titanoboa wannabe, the trailer shows the cast handling (and accidentally killing) some other non-venomous snake, probably a boa constrictor. When put face to face, the boa is much slimmer and smaller than the green anaconda is, but like all the constrictor snakes, it has a mouthful of hook-like, needle-sharp, backwards pointing teeth, and it can deliver very painful and bloody bites too, so it should never be taken for granted.

…The cast go to the American tropics with a ‘movie budget’ under 10 000 dollars. Again, there is no realism; they want to make an ‘indie film’ (a movie within a movie – that is quite clever, in fact); so why not go to Florida, (or perhaps California) is unknown. As RL shows, there are plenty of escaped pythons, (some of which are quite large), in Florida, so an anaconda would fit in as well, but no – it is South America or bust. Anything else?

Just that after their boa is lost (it falls in the water, where the piranhas get it, or the boat propeller does, or something), the cast go into the rainforest to find a replacement snake. Suspension of disbelief and all, but the way they were doing it would have resulted in them finding a venomous snake instead, most likely, and most of the South American venomous snakes are pit vipers, too. Just think rattlesnakes without the rattles, really. (In all of South America lives a single rattlesnake species – all the rest are natives of North America instead). A bite from anyone of them would have been bad – period. In a certain light, the cast of the ‘Anaconda’-2025 are lucky that the snake they confronted was a non-venomous type.

And again, given just how unrealistic this movie’s snake monster is, it just as well could have been a giant bear, (the spectacled bear of South America is not as large as the brown bear is, but it can kill adult livestock with blows of its’ paws), or even a horde of orcs – why not? How is a kaiju-sized snake more realistic than a horde of orcs?

It is not, but the cast make it work. Even in the trailer, they are clearly having fun and are not careening all over the place as ‘Coyotes’ script (and cast) do. ‘Anaconda’-2025 does not have any ‘special’ message as the other film does, but I daresay that it will be more enjoyable and fun to watch than ‘Coyotes’ will be.

…And as for ‘Marvel™ Zombies’, coming to the viewers on Sep 24, 2025? Looks as if they are designed to cover up for the ‘Eyes of Wakanda’ just as the ‘Eyes’ did for ‘Ironheart’. Again: ‘Ironheart’ was bad, perhaps not as bad as Disney’s ‘Snow White’ remake, but still bad, hitting all the right notes in all the wrong ways. For Disney, MCU, and the rest, good relationships with Afro-Americans are important, so they covered-up (and replaced) ‘Ironheart’ with ‘Eyes’.

However, ‘Eyes’ themselves were something of a rushed job, and people have felt it. Disney/MCU do not like confrontations, so they are using ‘Zombies’ to cover-up ‘Eyes’. ‘Zombies’ themselves, of course, are strongly reminiscent of ‘Game of Thrones’ series finale, when the heroes of Westeros found themselves confronting the Night King and his cohorts, including the walking dead – but let’s wait until Sep 24, 2025, to see the ‘Marvel™ Zombies for ourselves first).

…And yes, in early 2000s, ‘Animal Face-Off’ had a ‘jaguar vs. anaconda’ episode where the anaconda won. Sadly, it is only slightly more realistic than the upcoming ‘Anaconda’-2025 film will be, so let us discuss it some other time.

For now though, this is it. See you all soon!

Quarantine entry #61 - May 21

Obligatory disclaimer: real life sucks, so let us talk about something else, anything else, really.

There’s the final season of AoS…which I’ll miss, because I’m stuck in a place that has no TV, and I’m not so certain that I’ll be able to access them via my computer, because no matter how much I love AoS, I’m not sure that it’ll be worth the money. As it is, odds are that in their final season, AoS will turn into DC’s LoT, (remember those guys?), complete with time travel and all. S.H.I.E.L.D. must save Hydra because otherwise there will be no S.H.I.E.L.D. – sigh. In the CA: CW film, Zemo made a point in telling some Hydra/ex-Hydra colonel or another that Hydra is done, gone, lost in the junkyard of history.

…Zemo was contained at the end of that movie. He’s supposed to return on ‘The Winter Soldier and the Falcon’ Disney+ series, but that series was one of the first to go down once COVID-19 was here to stay, and so that is the end of that, for the moment.

…Speaking of team DC, Ruby Rose is leaving the DC-verse. Since she was the titular character in the new ‘Batwoman’ TV series, this raises a question – just who will take over from her, and how will ‘Batwoman’ be able to spin it? The reasons here actually aren’t COVID-19-related, but RR is gone from DC-verse all the same, so what next?

…’The Lovebirds’ movie is coming to the Netflix soon, (as in tomorrow – May 22, 2020), so we will talk about it then. The ‘SCOOB!’ film did come to the screens before today, and it is yet another reboot of ‘Scooby-Doo’ in particular and of ‘Hanna-Barbara’ in general, so what is left?

Well, I wanted to talk about snakes today. They may be the youngest modern group of reptiles, and probably the most infamous, thanks to the Biblical serpent. In reality, snakes are not any more – or any less – dangerous than their closest cousins the lizards are, and as for the crocodilians… do not go there.

We have talked about various snakes on and off in the past, especially regarding the AFO episode ‘Jaguar vs. Anaconda’, where the latter had won. Why this was the wrong decision was also discussed at length, so what is left behind?

…Modern snakes are characterized by the lack of limbs, though the oldest of them all, pythons and boas, have spurs as remnants of them. Snakes’ eyelids have also ‘fused’ into goggles, making them different from the various legless lizards, such as the slowworm and the glass lizard. Many snakes are venomous, meaning that it is dangerous for them to bite you, but not vice versa, because otherwise they would be poisonous instead. The venomous snakes of North America are mostly the various pit vipers; they tend to be much more aggressive than their non-venomous counterparts are and do not hesitate to warn others of their defences – i.e., the rattlesnakes rattle, their cousins the cottonmouths (and maybe the copperheads as well) show the insides of their mouths, and so on.

…The odd ones here are the coral snakes of the southern, especially south-west USA, which are more closely related to cobras and kraits of the Old World than to the pit vipers, (which are also found in Asia, though the American species outnumber them). They are shier than the pit vipers are, but are also much more colorful, in bands of black, red and yellow that warns other animals to back away, and rightfully so, because the coral snakes are quite venomous.

There are other snakes, all over the New World, really, that imitate the coral snakes’ coloration with various degrees of authenticity – this is called mimicry, and it is a really quite amazing evolutionary devices that allows the non-venomous, very venomous, and slightly venomous snakes to co-exist with each other, while protecting each other as well, (in a manner) of speaking – but that is another story.

…For now, though, this is it. See you all soon!

AFO: Alligator vs. Black Bear - June 29

This week is proving to be much more exciting than the past ones; a new ‘DM’ movie is coming to the cinema at last; this is primarily a children’s franchise, so I cannot say that I am the biggest fan of these films.

Then there is the new TV promo for the new ‘Marvel’s InHumans’ series. So far, the viewers are not being impressed, let alone overwhelmed; many think that Lockjaw the dog is the best character of them all, and he is CGI’ed. In addition, he is a dog, not a human, so does make him an InDog instead? Never mind; my point is that I am more excited about the upcoming ‘Jumanji’ movie, and I am not its’ biggest fan either. I remember the original film very enough, it was good, and it was also less controversial than the upcoming rehash is, because it was more child-friendly and less sexualized and edgy. (Does ‘Jumanji’ even need that?)

…As for the upcoming new movie of the ‘Jurassic Park’/’Jurassic World’ franchise… so far we got some single shots and a poster – not too much to go on. The original JW movie was not bad, just… somewhat reminiscent of the SWII movie – not bad, but still nowhere as good as the original SW trilogy was.

This probably brings up back to the TV land, as ‘Killjoys’ S3 is coming to TV tomorrow, (June 30, 2017), or so. ‘Killjoys’ are a very enjoyable TV show, and I am honestly excited about seeing the S3 in the future, (hopefully. Things will be chaotic at our house in the near future, so I do not know how well I will be able to keep up with the series. In the meantime, though, I have been re-watching AFO – the ‘Alligator vs. Black Bear’ episode, so let us talk a bit about it instead.

Firstly, a dash of classification. The proper name of the episode is the ‘American Alligator vs. American Black Bear’, because overseas, in Asia, lives a Chinese Alligator, (possibly the closest relative to the American species), as well as an Asiatic Black Bear, (whose relationship with the American Black Bear is more vague).

The Chinese Alligator lives only in China, and may be extinct in the wild. It looks like its American cousin, but it is smaller, and has an armored belly, (and the American Alligator does not). The Asiatic Black Bear looks basically just like any other bear, (including the Giant Panda), but it is usually black, save for a large white patch on its’ chest, hence it is also called a moon bear – as opposed to the sun bear, which lives in southeast Asia, (and the Asiatic Black Bear lives – these days – in Bangladesh, China, and Russia, more to the north), is called a Malaysian bear for that reason, and the patch on its’ chest is yellow instead. The American Black Bear usually does not have a patch on its chest…but sometimes it does, and it is not always black; sometimes it is brown or even creamy white. Isn’t taxonomy fun?

But the science of classifying animals (and plants) aside, one of the reasons why the crew of AFO chose the American Alligator and Black Bear for this episode is because it is far more likely to happen in the wild, because the Chinese Alligator is virtually extinct in the wild on one hand, and on the other it is far too timid to attack something as big and dangerous as a bear. Come to think of it, so’s the American Alligator. So?

So we come to realism & suspension of disbelief, the storytelling elements that help people believe a story, whether it is AFO, AoS, or anything else. AoS, for example, seemed to have outlasted its’ welcome; certainly the S4 finale was met with very low audience numbers – people just weren’t excited about the titular characters winning against the last villains of the season anymore. Not when there is an entire platter of DC shows to choose from at the same time, for example.

But AoS is fiction, just as the aforementioned ‘Killjoys’, or ‘Marvel’s InHumans’ are. AFO was based on facts, conversely, and… they had their own pitfalls. They did their best to run the show only via facts and data, but they had only a limited amount of it from the start. The format of AFO was largely dependent on various big carnivorous animals – mammals, reptiles and fish – and most of them are physically similar to each other. A bear and a big cat are related to each other only distantly, but physically, they are built similarly, their skeletons have more superficial similarities to each other than the bones of a bear and a walrus do, even though the walrus is closer related to the bear (and the wolf) than a big cat is.

With crocodiles and alligators, of course, the similarities are more than just superficial – the two are twin twigs of the same branch of the tree of life: not only they occupy the same econiche, they can coexist – the Chinese Alligator lives on the same continent as do several species of crocodiles, and South America is home not only to the various caimans, (essentially the local versions of the alligators), but to several species of ‘true’ crocodiles as well. These reptiles can get along, and much better than the big cats of Africa, Asia and the Americas do, in comparison, and – they all have the same hunting & fighting technique, which was actually shown on AFO as part of the episodes’ footage. There are physical differences between crocodiles and alligators, but they are fairly minor, and from a technical P.O.V. – bare bones and the metal replicas built from these bones – they are non-existent.

With bears these similarities are not as extreme, but for the sort of experiments that AFO did with its’ machines, this was enough. Even in RL, all bears behave similarly, the only exceptions are the polar bear, (which is completely carnivorous and lives part of its’ life in the water), and the giant panda, (which is completely herbivorous instead). The brown bear has its’ differences from the black and the moon bears, but AFO does not focus on them, (and they are outside its’ data collecting criteria, anyhow).

This probably brings us to the actual face-off. In theory, just as DW did, AFO used the data that the staff collected via the models to determine the winner, but in reality, this was not so. In the ‘Jaguar vs. Anaconda’ episode, the jaguar lost. In RL, this would not be so; a jaguar has jaws powerful enough to bite through skull bones of peccaries and caimans, so, once it pinned down an anaconda and bit it, it would probably be able to rip the snake in two, if it got especially lucky. And yet it lost on AFO. Why?

Well, why not? On DW, the staff actually showed the various numbers of the various weapons, wins and x-factors; AFO did not even do that. DW actually raised an issue – who was correct, who was more important, the data or the experts/hosts; AFO did not have that. Moreover, while this ensured that there was no controversy surrounding their decision…there still was, at least in the ‘Lion vs. Tiger’ episode, (and so I probably will not be touching it at all). Instead, the viewers got the option to take the AFO’s decisions regarding the face-offs at a face value, (pardon the pun), and while some had accepted it, the others had not – and so the show was not renewed for a second season for this reason as well. AFO’s approach had its virtues, but it had its’ flaws too; not even the season’s/series’ finale ‘Sperm Whale vs. Giant Squid’ could save it…

Well, that is that for this entry; see you all soon!

AFO: Anaconda vs. jaguar - August 20

Let us temporarily get back to AFO. For a change, we will talk about the ‘Anaconda vs. jaguar’ episode.

Firstly, spoilers: the anaconda won. Second: what about it?

Now, there was some outrage about the reptile winning, in part because in real life it is usually the other way around, jaguars kill and eat anacondas instead, and-

Okay, again – the show was called ‘Animal Face-Off’, where the better fighter won, rather than the best killer. Fine. Let us assume that that was the anaconda, rather than the jaguar, and move on. What was next?

Nothing, actually. Yes, the jaguar’s defeat was discussed, yes, the anaconda’s victory was condemned, but that was it. People tend to get quite passionate over the fights of tigers and lions, for example, but over fights of jaguars and anacondas? Not so much. AFO intended to entertain, not just to educate, but in the end, it failed to do so. JFC, (to say nothing of ‘Monster Bug Wars’), had its’ own flaws, but it also had some variety, making it into a relatively exciting TV series to follow and to watch.

AFO, on the other hand, was also an exciting TV show to watch, but it followed a single scenario – a one-on-one face-off between two various animals. This sort of thing can work, (especially if CGI is good enough, and in the recent past, when AFO was aired, people were not as fussy when it came to computer graphics on screen), and it did work – for 12 episodes of AFO, after which the show ended.

…The same thing can be said of JFC – it also lasted for 12 episodes/1 season despite its’ greater variety and the more exciting subject – dinosaurs! JFC, however, lacked the professionalism of AFO, and it was not as educational as the older show, as I probably have mentioned before. Since the History Channel were JFC was aired tends not to show such entertainment in the first place, and because Mr. Blasing, who got the JFC to run, had his own issues, (but not all of the right credentials), JFC was cancelled, and by now – buried.

AFO didn’t appear to have a credential problem, but by the time that the ‘Anaconda vs. Jaguar’ episode was aired, it probably had trouble holding/recapturing the attention of its’ fans. This particular episode was different from, say, the ‘Lion vs. Crocodile’ episode, but only in details, so while some viewers were angry that the anaconda won (and/or the jaguar lost) the others were just uninterested (rather than unimpressed) and bored!

This is not restricted to documentary TV programs; just look at such pieces of fiction as AoS or ‘Killjoys’! However, I have talked about AoS a lot, including its’ latest attempts to be ‘mysterious’ while being ‘cute’ about it, (ever since the last episodes of S3), whereas ‘Killjoys’…

‘Killjoys’ aren’t bad, though compared to Michelle Lovretta’s previous TV show – ‘Lost Girl’ – they are much more tame and straightforward. On the plus side, they seem to have fewer problems with their backstory…probably because it is straightforward, again – the Killjoys are trying to stop the Company (yes, it is really called thus) from domineering Westerly with an all-around wall, (complete with a roof), while trying to figure out where Dutch’s ex-mentor Kline is planning to do regarding alien centipedes and their plasma that makes humans almost immortal. Overall, it may be a somewhat simple plot, (the Company of no name is bordering on a bad joke), but with just 10 episodes per season there is no time to be complex, and there is plenty of character development too, alongside plot development.

‘Lost Girl’ was a more complex, more tangled, and (currently) more rounded TV show out of the two, but it suffered from a major background instability. AoS had to change itself when it decided to integrate Hunter and Morse – and then it (possibly) went off tangent, and outright failed – to launch ‘Marvel’s Most Wanted’ TV series, to keep Mitchell as part of the cast, with that stupid shoehorn S3 premiere episode – the list goes on, but most importantly? AoS sort jammed S2 and S3 together and there were unnecessary character deaths’ all around, especially at the end of S2.

And ‘Lost Girl’? It did something similar – it constantly changed its’ back-story around, from Celtic to Norse to Greek without going anywhere in particular, especially after S1. The Garuda in S2 was a decent villain, but after this? It all went downhill; the quasi-Greek gods in S5 just do not deserve a mention and the fact that Bo’s father was Hades, (not that Aoife was anything like Persephone) is just sad.

In the long run, ‘Lost Girl’ didn’t know where it was going, and how it was going to get there, and the fact that it lumped any folklore character as a ‘Fae’ – it all contributed to the show going downhill and ending with a whimper, however it would rather pretend to be a bang. Michelle Lovretta just wasn’t very discreet or discerning when it came to her sources, and it case of ‘Killjoys’ the sources are largely MCU – the aforementioned AoS, ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ as well…

Back to AoS? There are rumors of an Avenger coming to AoS – AoS is taking its’ cues from the rest of Marvel Cinematic Universe; MCU is dipping into the occult via ‘Dr. Strange’ movie? AoS is doing the same with the Ghost Rider; only there were Ghost Rider films in the past, (but not part of MCU, apparently), so now it’s a different Ghost Rider than the traditional Johnny Blaze…

That said, the variety that I have been talking about? AoS is trying to develop it, somewhat, now that Hydra is gone…supposedly, but right now it is gone…and AoS in particular has no major villain to fight against. (This lack of a major villain caused problems for ‘Lost Girl’ too, BTW, and as for ‘Primeval’…) There are rumors of Cal/Mr. Hyde/Daisy’s father returning to the show in S4, but we will have to wait to see if that is true, and besides, in S2, Cal was more of a morally ambiguous, even sympathetic character than an evil one…

Moreover, AFO? AoS is trying to have some variety – it has to, now that Hydra is gone (supposedly, but for the moment? It is gone). AFO did not, as it was written before. Hence, why it is gone, while in the long run, it had been a good show. The special ‘sperm whale vs. giant squid’ episode came too late and could not fix anything.